Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
