"it" just moved
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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