I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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