i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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