finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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