I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
