his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
