By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
