I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
