yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My sheets look like a crime scene.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
