Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
