no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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