There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
