youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
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some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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