I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
