I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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