Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
