I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
