I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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