alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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