Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
