I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
