I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
