Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
