So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
