I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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