omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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