apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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