I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
this boner is exhausting
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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