dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
