I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
