Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
