at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Randomize
