in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
