don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
