don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
