So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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