worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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