I wannas sexs uuuuu
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
