my vag is so smooth its legendary
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
