omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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