i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
