so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
