Umm I'm too high to move.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
