He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
