Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
