Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
