So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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