Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
