so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
