K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
