the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
