your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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