my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
