Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
